Mess to Masterpiece 

I am reading a book right now called Limitless Life by Derwin Grey.  It is a wonderful book that is helping me see that God uses our everyday life to draw us into a closer relationship with Him. Is it easy to see that in the middle of a mess?  No, not easy at all, but I am learning to trust God, as I wrote about last week.  And this new found trust has let me reflect on other times in my life when I thought “WHY GOD?”  And he was saying “TRUST ME!”

2010 was one of those years.  We had been living in different parts of the world with the Air Force since 1986.  Most of my immediate family still lived in or near Wisconsin, but Brian and I had not called Wisconsin home for a long time. I wondered what would happen if we had a family emergency.  Would I be able to drop everything and go back home?  Fortunately the answer was YES that year.  I was a full time preschool teacher at a small school that believed family came first. Brian and I also lived so that we could do what we needed to do to pick up the slack at home if the need arose for one of us to be away. Both of my parents experienced major health problems in 2010. 

January found my mom in the hospital suffering from complications of a long term illness.  We thought she was going to die. I flew home for 3 weeks to care for my dad at their home and mom in the hospital, during that time.  My dad was having on going heart problems and a visit with him to see his cardiologist revealed he needed a valve replacement surgery as soon as possible or he would die.  Mom recovered much to our surprise and came home by early February.  I went back to my home in Virginia, to my family and teaching job for 3 weeks, and then flew back to Wisconsin to care for my parents again while my dad had his surgery the end of February.  That was another 2 weeks of missed school, being out of my classroom and being very grateful that I had substitute teachers, two teaching assistants who jumped in and helped lead the classes for me, and a husband who, despite his own jam packed life, could manage without me once again.   I finished out the school year with my two preschool classes beginning in March. I went back in the fall of 2010 to a full time teaching position again, a morning and afternoon class, and thought PHEW… that is behind us, all is well.  

Then I got that dreaded phone call in October of 2010.  My dad was very sick again.  He had a heart infection and had possibly had a stroke.  Mom was still in recovery mode with a fragile immune system and could not be in the hospital environment with dad on a daily basis.  So I asked my job again if I could fly home to deal with the crisis.  I was gone for an extended period of time no one could have predicted when the first phone call came.  Dad seemed to get better, then he had another stroke and more open heart surgery.  We were told he could recover, but he never did.  One month later he died.  I had stayed to care for my mom driving hours back and forth each day from her home to the hospital to also coordinate the care for my dad.  I arrived back in Virginia 5 weeks later, after his funeral, to a very difficult situation at my teaching job.

I loved teaching.  I loved my kids and my classroom. I had been gone a long time and complications arose this time from my extended leave.   I was asked to give up my afternoon class and only teach part time the rest of the school year.  I agreed at the time, grateful for all they had done to cover for me for so long.  It broke my heart, on top of losing my dad; I was losing something else I loved and my identity was under attack I thought.  It was hard, I felt lost, like part of my life had been taken when I lost dad, then another part when I lost my afternoon class.   Then in January of 2011 I was told I would not get to teach full time anymore, all staff would only be allowed to teach part time.  Again, I did not understand.  I felt like I was being punished for making the hard, right choice, to put my family first.  I was there, my dad was gone, and we doubted something like this would come up again. My mom was doing really well health wise.  But I was being punished I thought.  I asked God WHY?  He told me to trust him, but I had a hard time with that.  I was angry, sad, confused.  It made no sense to me and I could not trust that God had a plan.

But God opened another door for me that spring. I started to work 5 hours a week for my church helping to lead our Christian Education program.  I learned a lot very quickly that spring and jumped right into a full summer of planning and helping lead Vacation Bible School, setting up the fall programs at church for families and learning new and valuable skills.  The Christian Education job grew to about 15 hours a week,  while I worked teaching preschool part time the next 2 years.  Could I see how valuable this new opportunity was at the time it came along?  NO!  I was sad, confused, wondering why I was being punished for taking care of my family.

But GOD KNEW.  He took my mess and used it to prepare me for our new life here.  I learned so much about church life from a staff perspective. While Brian was going to class, interning in a church and finishing Seminary, God was teaching me, helping me learn what I would need to know to be able to jump in here and help our new congregation.  I gained much more as I learned to lean into God and not fight the changes in my life.  Hard life lessons, taking me away from a me centered life to a God centered life. To a place of trust and not so much control over what I thought I should be doing with my life.    

Our memory verse in our study this week, speaks to me about this time of my life.      

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10   

Could I see that God was taking my mess at the time and leading me to a new place? Not a chance.  But… He knew what He was doing. I learned that my first identity is not teacher/educator, wife or mom but child of God. 

I am not teaching anymore right now, I am a full time volunteer.  And that has opened so many more doors for me to grow and learn and serve. Will I teach preschool again?; perhaps! Only God knows right now.  But I do know that what was a mess at the time in 2010 turned out to be a growth opportunity and a time to learn to trust God. He knew what he was doing, so why did I doubt?